The Confession
By Kyle Wittmann
“The values of those that know no value, spout their bile from face to face” With a swerving stance, this drunken Priests voice bellowed across the street. “Who here echoes the phrases that please the ear, and soothes the soul? All of you!” Falling to the floor he grasps the leg of the nearest engrossed viewer, and struggles himself to height.
“We seek solace from the pain of life, in the place of authentic realism. So far detached from the shades of truth, we would be crippled by its weight.” Reaching a hidden flask from his coat, he slurps towards his next sentence. “Your eyes burn with habitual compartmentalism, pocketing me to your chosen rationalisations, a comfy defence for your warm bed of lies.”
The gathered audience displayed a mixture of giggles and stern faces wavering through its judgemental surface. Teetering on the edge of annoyance or indifferent abandonment. “You! And you! Sleepwalking awake, half knowing whilst half ignorant, that’s the worst of it! Some choose ignorance, some even purposefully spread it, and scorn those that attempt the near impossible, a moralistic and honourable life.”
“What dirty responses you hear when one mentions honour in our ‘enlightened era’ one must be promoting an image, or solidifying an inward goal for egotistical purposes if honour is professed. How many truly honourable people do you know? For me it’s a number that lacks much quantity.”
A slip and a fall cut short his tirade, as he phased into unconsciousness. The crowed laughed and dispersed with views of pity and scorn. All parted indifferently except a fellow priest, who stood in the church courtyard with avid attention throughout the display.
Shaking him softly the bemused Priest tested his drunken state. Noticing some piece of paper the unconscious man was clutching to, the Priest read aloud the words in some attempt to dissipate the intrusion on the drunkard’s privacy, as if he were reading it to him.
“June 10th. Fools gold. We uphold our personal image for this ‘big brother’ or ‘the man in the window’. Creating the optimum projection so as to prevail amongst the eyes of others. But what is the point of this fools gold? This painful process we undergo to uphold the perfect view, the sacrifice, the lies, the purposeful ignorance so as to stay on course for happiness.
This idea that one day after all this word play, opportunity grabbing and soul crushing anxiety that you will finally wake up and say ‘I’ve done it, I’m free to enjoy what I’ve created!’
You will find a shell in the place of this pre thought out ideal of the ‘perfect life’. Ultimate success, failure and the ascending struggle are extremes that affect the psyche in similar ways, if you cant be happy with gradual success, then the summit will just bore you and you’ll jump. It’s a fallacy.
So if your own toiling self-preservation is not ultimately for this fallacy, then what is it for? Is it for the random ‘big brother’, the net of society? Do we abandon truth for other people? So we lie or mould, so others can lie and mould to create this imperfect reality so we all feel comfortable doing our part in this play of bullshit?
Why do we parade ourselves and torture ourselves for this mass of ignorance. Many of us have been guilty of greasing the cogs of social bullshit against someone who you perceive to be your enemy. Thus you enter the falsity game, and the better the game playing the more included into the play. Why bother with this court of lying, fighting for a fickle kingdom full of fools gold. I’d rather be at peace with the truth then be the king of lies.
And so we come to my own emotion, my anger. But this is my ultimate downfall. This reaction of mine will always hold me back unless I eradicate it. My fear turns to anger and I play the fools game when rattled and all is for nothing. I hold dear to my reflection in other people’s eyes, it comforts me to think I’m well thought of, it gives me a sense of control. It is this fake control that enslaves me, drags me into turmoil to fight the dogfight.
Infested with differing fears and emotions I see that the reasons for these emotional states need investigation, as emotions are signals that something is wrong. It’s not necessarily the perceived outward influence that causes this, but in fact yourself. You could almost picture the physical cause of your negative emotions as a screaming version of yourself.
That pain you feel from their words are not those people striking you, you are striking yourself from fear. Your emotion can on occasion just simply point out that you are struggling with the world you’ve created, that the fabrication has lost its buoyancy its cosy cover of lies. This is the time to search your possible fallacy for lies by others and lies by yourself. As I’ve stated we are masters of lies, we love them to shield us from the cold hard truth that our control on life has its limits.
This all sounds like some religious doctrine, but it couldn’t be further from it. As god is just a production of the fear of ignorance, or the search to deflect it with pleasing creations, it is the reflection of never saying “I don’t know why”. To cover the fear of the unknown we’d sooner believe in the unbelievable then face the void of the unknown.
We have grown fat on a diet of lies, to the point that truth has become the dirty knife that threatens our bloated souls. Every time I lambast idiots, recoil from an oppressor, or join the titter of fools to win a game that has no prize but chains, I bolster the ignorance of everyone around me; I play into this endless spiral to the extinction of possible peace and stupefy myself.
I’m angry about this, I’m angry about myself and I’m angry about attacks on my control. Anger is the one thing that I need to let go of, I cant hate my way to change, it rips away everything, it always has. The dirty unfashionable words like ethics, honour, truth and help can be attributed to those who cause you the most pain, in fact that is where its most needed.”
My Remedi 